My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
