I think my fart just growled at me.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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