I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
