I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
