Welp...herpes.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
