I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
