I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
