Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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