So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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