just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
