What a fucking waste of an outfit
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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