Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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