So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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