All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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