when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
