He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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