i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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