well I can't set my house on fire every night
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Im part way to drunk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
