i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He? As in you personified your dick?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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