Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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