i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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