seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My feet surprised me
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
