i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
