Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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