hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
