You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
