that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize