i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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