at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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