Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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