I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
