sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
they need to just BURY HIM!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
