Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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