dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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