I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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