Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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