I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
