I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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