I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
