The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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