Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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