I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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