somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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