Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize