I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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