Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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