you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
