It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
