you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
