...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize