In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
