Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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