Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
