I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's rum buckets o'clock
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
