My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the condom got lost in my hair
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Randomize
