I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
