my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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