Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
