I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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