I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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