mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
