Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
