Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize
