This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
