i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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