So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
