3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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