He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
